Things are changing--

And sometimes it really bothers me.

Again, I don't blog about heavy things very often, but this needs to be let out, too.

I moved to New Jersey with a lot of aggression, a lot of sadness, and eventually, a lot of mixed emotions.

I always thought that I was the only one who was particularly problematic about my family. I've always had a rocky relationship with my mom. The fact that I was going to be surrounded by nothing but family for a long period of time, without my usual circle of friends, was a really big issue for me. Having a support circle outside my family really helped me, and the fact that none of them are within physical reach made me feel really bad.

Still though, some things bother me.

Right now, I'm staying at my grandparents' apartment. One of my aunts is staying over with me, and our job is basically to de-clutter and clean out the apartment. This belonged to my other aunt before she passed away, and it's about time that most of us moved on and started cleaning it out, making it a decent place to stay in.

But, more than anything, I'm seeing the greater conflict among the other members of my family.

1) Between my mom and her eldest sister.
Let's call her Aunt#1. She's the one staying over with me now. They tend to fight a lot now over so many little things, something that didn't really happen much back when we were staying in the Philippines.

2) Between Aunt #1 and my Grandmother.
Since Aunt#1 is finally handling my grandmother's finances, they tend to butt heads a lot, and there have been many angry phone conversations, and more often than not they hang up on each other rather rudely.

3) Between my mom's youngest sister (let's call her Aunt #3) and both my Grandparents.
As it is, my grandfather suffered a stroke around Dec 2009-Jan 2010, and he really hasn't been the same since. My grandmother has helped take care of him, but it's complicated. Aunt#3 has had to take on the role as a main breadwinner, and basically the boss of all of us. (by the way, my mom, Aunt#1, and I stay at Aunt#3's house.) Anyway, she argues a lot with my grandparents regarding the state of their apartment, which used to belong to Aunt #2. (my aunt who passed away will be regarded as Aunt #2. She is still significant in many ways.)

4) Finally, between my grandmother and grandfather.
Because of my grandfather's stroke, he needed a very drastic and very necessary change of lifestyle and diet. It's more difficult for him to walk and communicate, and what makes it even worse is that he is suffering from Alzheimer's, and diabetes, to boot. In addition, he seems to be going through what seems to be like a second childhood. He has become more of a hassle to deal with since he doesn't want to follow his diet, and just wants to go through life the way he always has. But he can't. It's impossible now. And he's being incredibly difficult, making it difficult for my grandmother to take care of him, and making it just as difficult for Aunt #3 to handle everything else. In a nutshell--he's uncooperative. And it's a big shame considering how much he'd achieved and how sharp he was before the stroke. Now he's almost gaga. Which is scary.

I am going through all this and I am just so overwhelmed by how badly my family ties are getting, how great the complications are, and just how much more intense things are getting here. I never expected a sweet and perfect family life, but I never expected the ties between my family members to grow this bad, either.

I hope I don't get caught in the middle, and I really hope I get through this.